I was sitting on the couch a couple of nights ago and my phone lit up. It was a message from one of my best friends and she dumped a whole lot of encouragement into my lap in the space of about 4 small paragraphs of text. I read the words she had sent and did a quick screen shot so I could keep the words forever.
I know myself, and I knew those words would help me down the road when I feel cranky and mad at the world and tired of everything. You’ve had days like that, too, haven’t you?
I love words. I love writing them, speaking them, hearing them. I love how they fit together to paint pictures of what’s important to us. I think it’s amazing to watch how the right words can turn an entire day around for someone. I love how the same few words can mean completely different things depending on the context, the timing and who you happen to be speaking with at a given moment. I appreciate that it’s possible for hurtful, challenging things to be said in ways that make them easier for the hearer to swallow.
Because of course, sometimes things need to be said that will hurt. Sometimes things need to be said that will change the course of another person’s life…things that will inspire change and provide motivation for someone to turn into a new, more promising direction. Sometimes we have to be blunt, specific, and confrontational with the words we choose to say. But even here, we can practice civility.
I remember a quick conversation I had one morning with a friend. We were both so busy that day and didn’t have much time, but we were discussing something that both of us care deeply about. In a few short sentences, she wrapped up the entire situation and I walked away with a new perspective which I believe will stick with me forever. See? Words are powerful, powerful things.
I don’t think we can overestimate the power of the tongue. Our mouths can be like a fountain – spreading life-giving water that is sweet to taste and nourishing to hear, or more like a sewer, spewing evil of the vilest kind. The expressions we use can soothe, heal, encourage and inspire. Or they can wound, dismiss, degrade and humiliate.
What we say matters. And so does how we say it.
If it really is out of the abundance of the heart that our mouths speak, then our words start a long, long time before they’re ever spoken or written or sent in a text. I heard someone say once that you can’t fake being nice for very long if your heart is full of mean. Exactly.
Aside from communicating ideas, desires or purpose, the words we say primarily do two things: they indicate our state of self and they demonstrate our thoughts toward others. These two things can’t really be separated…the first part is personal; the second part is community.
Our state of self is dependent on many things, but certainly not the least of which is how we talk to ourselves. The words we use to speak to ourselves are just as important as the ones we use when we communicate with others. Stop and think for a moment about what you allow yourself to say to the person in the mirror. I’m a pretty reserved person, and self-reflection comes pretty naturally to me. I’m often thinking about what kind of person I want to be, who I am and who I think I should be by this stage in my life. I know what I feel confident about and where I feel unsure and vulnerable. I believe it’s important to own who I am and that means being honest (with myself first and with others second) about when I have it together, and when I absolutely don’t. I think it’s ok for you all to know I’m a work in progress, because I know you are too. But the words I speak to myself are a huge part of that self-reflecting process.
Words form the basis for our opinions of ourselves, both what we hear from others and the ones we hear from ourselves. So, be kind to yourself, friends. Be truthful in your opinions about what needs improvement, as well as in the areas where you know you’ve just really nailed something. Take joy in your own accomplishments. You can do that with gratitude and not an over-inflated sense of self-importance. Let your personal successes fuel confidence that you have something unique and all your own to offer the world around you – because of course you do! And on the other side of the coin, let your failures remind you that you tried, and that you can still learn and grow beyond where you are right now.
Words are also the most easily accessible ways we have to build all kinds of good things into someone else. What life couldn’t use more hope and understanding; more cheering up and cheering on? The ways in which we choose (and it’s definitely a choice) to communicate with each other is the most important aspect about our human interaction. It’s one of the first things we notice about someone else, isn’t it? The way someone talks to you gives you immediate hints about the kind of person you may be dealing with – first impressions aren’t always accurate…but they might be. As we get to know people and watch how they interact with the people around them, we figure out whether or not they’re safe to invite into our lives.
It helps to remember that what comes out of our mouths ultimately tells our hearers more about us than anything we may say about them. That idea pulls me up short sometimes and helps me to think about whether or not something needs to be said, or said in the way I was planning to say it. When I was younger, I remember hearing an adult tell me something that I knew was morally and ethically correct, but the way he said it made me not want to listen. I’ve been on the other side of that coin, too…I’m sure of it. We can get the words right, but fail miserably in the delivery.
Think about this…we leave evidence of our state of self with each and every expression we share with someone else.
Of course, no matter how eloquently we speak, there will always be those who don’t care; who have either never learned civility or only use it around the people they happen to agree with. This issue can’t be adequately covered in a blog post, but maybe it’s enough to say…just be careful here, friends. Learn the signs of people who only want to argue or demean or hurt. Wherever you can, limit your conversation with these people…treat them respectfully, but keep them at a distance when possible. Your words may someday have an impact for good on them…and if not yours, perhaps someone else’s will down the road.
When confronted with people like this, maybe we can keep conversation on a more superficial level. If we’re to have any influence on them, perhaps it will be that of demonstrating restraint when we’re provoked. If they’re serious about really wanting our opinions or thoughts or help, they’ll come around when they’ve given more thought to the issue at hand. Conversation is foundational to relationship, but not all conversations (or relationships) are wise. And by way of extra encouragement, isn’t it good to remember that we ourselves have been in situations where we are ready to hear something now that we weren’t at an earlier time? That’s growth, and that’s good.
We won’t always agree with things other people say, and they won’t agree with us, but that’s ok! Some of my friends and I have profound differences of opinion on social, political or religious issues. But we can still maintain a relationship because we know each other so well. In some cases, our friendships go way, way back to when we were kids. We’ve seen each other through some pretty big life events. Talking with them gives me a chance to defend my beliefs and thought processes, as well as watch them defend theirs. We’ve had some really hard conversations, but these talks can help us understand differing points of view. They know they won’t change my mind; and I likely won’t be the one to change theirs. There are areas where we both feel the need to stand firm, but I’ve also found places in myself that could use a little less rigidity. Talking with friends who are different than me has helped smooth over some of my rough edges.
This is all a lot to think about and these few short paragraphs barely scratch the surface, right? But maybe they will give us a chance to think about all of this in light of the kinds of conversation we want as we grow forward. I think most of us want the ability to speak so that people around us want to listen; to have the ability to express ourselves well and convey our thoughts and beliefs – and hard things, too – with kindness and honesty. As I look around at the people in my sphere of influence, I want conversation that makes a difference somehow…it might be lighthearted or serious, confrontational or encouraging. But whatever the circumstance, I want it to be used for good and for growth and for getting somewhere genuine.
In other words, conversation that fits…like apples of gold in pictures of silver.